


I don't really know what I'm doing

by Ice20



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 11:09:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice20/pseuds/Ice20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Abu Dhabi GP 2012.<br/>Kimi comes back to his Swiss house, where his wife has a bad news to communicate to him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't really know what I'm doing

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody!! This is my first fanfiction ever. I really hope you'll enjoy it.  
> This story is a product of my immagination (even though you'll notice some hints to facts that really happened).  
> Since I'm not a native English speaker, please forgive me for any mistakes.  
> Bye bye :)

After Abu Dhabi GP, 2012

 

It’s 10 o’clock am of Tuesday and you’re finally coming home, after a great weekend. You won the race, had a big party all night with your team and some friends from the paddock, drank a lot and stayed up ‘till morning, and slept for 12 hours straight during Monday afternoon and evening. Then you woke up, ran to the airport to catch your plane and landed in Switzerland today. You waved Mark off and he told you he was going to come over your place for your training on Thursday morning.

_Great!_

You’ve got two days to stay home and do what you want, when you want. You’re already planning to passing them lying on the sofa or in bed, sleeping for most of the time, watching some movies and eating all the junk food you like so much – and Mark forces you not to eat. You’ll even bring Jenni to the expensive boutiques that she loves so much and that make you feel so bored.

The taxi you took stops in front of your mansion. Villa Butterfly, your Swiss house: you really like this place, it’s exactly how you’ve always dreamt your house to be. You pay the driver, take your suitcase and backpack.

You open the door, and are immediately greeted by Peppi’s barks. The dog is always happy to see you, to have you back. Maybe that’s because you let him come into the bed with you, or on the sofa; maybe it’s because you always give him some of your chips, ‘cause you can’t resist to that puppy big eyes when he looks at you.

_To think that the call you the Iceman… funny, isn’t it?_

You pat him softly on the head and leave your suitcase and backpack near the door and go to the kitchen. A bottle of beer is what you need right now. Peppi follows you happily, maybe wishing for some food from you. Well, not this time, dear Peppi. You close the fridge and are going to turn when suddenly somebody speaks to you.

\- Glad to see you’re back, Kimi –

You didn’t hear her approach and are a little surprised. You turn to face her.

\- I’m glad to see you too, Jenni –

Your relationship has come to an end a long time ago, and you both know it; you simply don’t want to say it out loud, to admit it. You two still live together, and it’s a peaceful coexistence: she’s still your wife, even if you live different lives - with different people. You wonder for a moment why you haven’t divorced, yet. You don’t really know and don’t really care. You’re ok with this situation.  
Right now, you’re only tired and want to rest some hours and then take her to a good restaurant and after that party again. You don’t feel to talk.

But she seems to have other plans, ‘cause she goes on.

\- You had a good race –

\- Thanks. Did you see it? –

\- No, heard on tv sport news. I don’t like races, you know it. They bore me –

\- Yeah, I know –

\- Why haven’t you come back yesterday? It’s already Tuesday, and the race was on Sunday. Where were you? –

_Disappointment in her voice. And urgency._

Maybe you missed some important date? You mentally check your agenda. No, it wasn’t her birthday nor your anniversary, you’re quite sure. Something bad happened? No, she would have called you.

\- We had a party. With my team and some other friends. I didn’t think you would mind –

\- Yeah, sure, why would I mind? I’m only your wife after all… and who were these friends of yours? -

_Irony. And urgency again._

You really can’t understand why she cares so much. She has her new boyfriend, her beloved trainer. You know it and accept it. She’s still your wife, yes, but she’s also sleeping with him and sharing most of her time with that guy. And you have other affairs with other women. And she knows it. It’s been like that almost since the beginning. So why this conversation right now? Can’t she just be happy for you, for your first win after your return to F1? Can’t she just leave you alone and go out to her horses and exercises?

You sigh. You don’t want to fight with her, so you try to answer her politely.

\- Friends, Jenni. Guys of the team, people from the paddock. What’s wrong with it? –

She grunts.

\- Nothing –

You would like to roll your eyes, but you know she wouldn’t be very happy to see you do such a thing right in front of her.

\- Jenni, please… -

\- Nothing’s wrong, Kimi. I’ve decided to move. That’s all. I wanted to tell you as soon as I could –

_Her tone is icy. And you’re absolutely shattered._

You stare at her for a few seconds. She decided to move. While you were in Abu Dhabi. So, it’s the end, isn’t it? Well, you knew it would happen sooner or later. You simply didn’t expect it to happen today. To happen this week. You thought this would be a good week, for both of you. Maybe party with some common friends, or just spend some time together. You didn’t expect her to leave you, now that you’re happy after two difficult years in rally, where you had a bit of fun and a lot of frustrations; you were even a little depressed, especially last year after your dad died suddenly, but you only admit it to yourself, never to the others.

_Well, at least now it’s clear why she was so anxious to see you._

\- So, you just wanted me to be home yesterday, so you could tell me it as soon as possible, didn’t you? –

She nods, her pretty face very serious. This is not a joke – _and you didn’t doubt it for a second._

\- So, just go –

You can’t find anything different to say. Right now you can’t even quite believe it; but you can understand it. This isn’t really a surprise for you after all; you just didn’t expect it to happen right now. You feel disappointed, because you really thought this would be a great week. You were happy.

You stand next to the kitchen door, numb, while Jenni takes three big suitcases full of all her stuff. You hadn’t even noticed those pink and white suitcases standing near the sofa in the spacious living room.  
You’re frozen, you feel lost and really sad; and you don’t like either of these feelings.

\- Goodbye, Kimi. Wish you all the best. I really mean it –

\- Yes, thanks; wish you the same –

You can’t find anything else to tell her. You are too surprised, maybe even a little shocked by the rapidity of events. And you feel like the damn depression you’ve suffered for in the last year and a half, and of which you’ve never told anybody, is coming back to haunt you.

You look at her leaving, hear her saying that she would call you in the next few days and even send you some papers to sign, but you don’t really listen to her. 

She closes the door behind her, and you come back into the kitchen and drink another beer while you take a bottle of vodka from a shelf. You don’t bother to take a glass, too; it isn’t necessary.

You come into your big living room, sit on the sofa and switch off the phone. Right now you don’t want to speak with anyone nor read any message from your friends. You open the bottle and have a big sip of vodka. Peppi is sitting near you on the sofa, but he’s strangely quiet and doesn’t want to play; he’s probably sensed something is wrong.

_Smart dog._

You swallow some more vodka and your eyes start to fill with tears. That’s not because of Jenni, no. That’s because when you’re finally starting to feel really well again, like your old self, Fate decides to play with your life and fuck you up and bring back all the dark feelings and sensations and thoughts.

_Fuck it._

You drink again and now the bottle is half empty. Fuck Jenni and her lover; you’ve never really loved her, that’s what you try to convince yourself of. Ok, probably at the very beginning you had loved her enough to ask her to marry you, and she had loved you enough to say “yes”. But it was a long time ago. Things had changed; you both had changed. You both had experiences and relationships with other people; you were ok with it, you accepted it, and decided to simply ignore that and live together anyway. You couldn’t care less of her liaisons. You had some with people you really liked and it was ok.

So why does bother you so much now? Why do you feel so bad? Because of that damn Fate that’s messing you up again, that’s what you tell yourself.

You fell angry, you feel lost and sad and depressed again, but you don’t want to think about it; you actually don’t want to think about anything right now. So you take another sip, and then another one and another one again, and finally you start to feel less and that’s exactly what you were looking for. You want to switch off your mind for a few hours, like you did with your phone. So you drink again and suddenly the bottle is empty. 

_What a shame._

You try to get up from the sofa and notice that you’re no more in a sitting position, but you’re lying on your back and this makes you laugh a little, ‘cause you don’t even remember when you assumed that position. But it’s a humorless laugh. You feel like in a blur and can’t even get up to take another bottle of vodka. You feel that your eyes are starting to close and smile a bit.  
You can finally sleep.

\- - -

You get up some hours later at the annoying sound of the ringing bell, which is causing you an awful headache. You want it to stop but don’t bother to get up and go open the door. You just wish it is going to stop soon by itself.

Nope. It goes on.

You groan, ‘cause whoever is waiting for you isn’t going to stop all that fucking noise and go away. And now even Peppi is starting to bark at the door and you feel like your head is going to explode very soon if you don’t make all this racket stop. So you manage to get up slowly, ‘cause the room is spinning a little and you find it difficult to find a balance and walk straight to the door without tripping over furniture.

Finally you manage to open the door and the gate without asking who is disturbing your dreamless sleep, then you come back on the sofa ‘cause there’s a lovable silence again. You lie down on your stomach and stay still, waiting for the room to stop spinning and for the mysterious guest to come into the house by himself and find you.

\- Hallo? Is there anybody in there? Kimi? Jenni? Hallo? –

_Damn. It’s Sebastian. What does he want?_

You cover your head with a pillow.

\- Peppi! Hallo boy! Where is Kimi? –

_Great, he’s talking to your dog again. And maybe he’s even waiting for an answer, aren’t you, Seb?_

You simply hide your head further into the soft pillow. Maybe he’s going to think nobody’s home and go away. You don’t even think that he knows you’re home because you just opened the door.

You can hear his footsteps, you know them really well; you’ve heard them in your house many times before. You close your eyes.

\- Kimi! There you are! –

_Damn stupid Sebastian and your stupid voice! Can’t you stop shouting like a girl and speak like any other person on this planet?_

You silently sigh and hide your head under the pillow. You don’t want to see him. And don’t want him to see you like this, right now.

He sighs and sits next to you on the sofa. It’s big enough for both of you and you know it. You know he’s looking at the empty bottle on the floor; he silently shakes his head and you can understand he’s disappointed, and this makes you feel sad again.

He places a hand on your back and gently rubs it. You don’t know why, but every time he does it you feel calm and relaxed. It’s like Mark, when he massages you after your training; only Seb doesn’t have to do anything more than touch you. You turn on your back and face him, his green big eyes looking worried into yours, which are red and swollen.

\- What happened, Kimi? –

He’s worried.

He knows something has happened, he knows you all too well. You’ve got a really intimate relationship with him, and he just needs to look at you to understand if something is bothering you. And he’s one of the few people you’ve spoken openly about your poor relationship with Jenni. Mark, Steven and his father, your mom and brother, a few friends from Finland, and Sebastian; you can count ‘em on one hand. But you’ve never told him nor anybody else about your depression – though you think your mum and probably Mark also had noticed it.

You try to tell him something but really can’t. Your eyes start to fill with tears again and you feel pathetic. You don’t want to cry in front of other people, for fuck’s sake! He looks at you and just wait for you to recompose yourself a little bit. You’re glad he doesn’t comment nor says anything; it would only make you feel even worst. He simply hands you a handkerchief to wipe your eyes, ‘cause one tear has already fallen and you hadn’t even noticed it. You’re frustrated, sigh and wait a minute before you speak.

\- She just left –

_Economical with words, as usual._

\- Geez, I’m so sorry, Kimi. Really, I am –

And you can see from his eyes that he is, he really is. He doesn’t judge you nor her, and you like him now even more than you usually do, because of it. 

You just nod to him. You feel completely exhausted and only want to go back to sleep again. It’s the only thing that can help you right now; or so you think. He must have somehow sensed your thoughts because he looks at you and shakes his head again.

\- Drinking and sleeping won’t help you, you know? –

\- But they will make me feel good at least for a few hours –

He doesn’t say anything else. You can quite feel his disappointment. He just gets up from the sofa and takes the bottle in the kitchen. You hear him throw it in the trash can and you don’t care because the bottle was completely empty anyway. Then, you can hear him in the bathroom, probably looking for something he cannot find apparently, ‘cause after a few minutes you hear him talking on the phone with someone and asking for something; but you’re drifting back to sleep again and his words are distant and blurred.

\- - -

Sebastian shakes your arm and you’re awake, again. You look at the clock and see you’ve slept for about forty minutes. What has he done all this time? You don’t mind as long as he hasn’t touched your stuff or broken the furniture.

He puts a glass of water into your hand and gives you two pills with it.

\- For your headache. ‘Cause I know you’re head is hurting. Come on, drink it –

And you just do what he says and feel a little better. The room isn’t spinning anymore. You can even put yourself in a sitting position.

He’s silently watching you and when he sees you’re feeling better, he takes you by the elbow and helps you up from the couch.

\- Come on, let’s go –

You’re a bit confused. _Where are you going?_

A surprised noise escapes your throat.

\- We’re going to my place –

\- Why? –

\- Because if you stay here all alone you’ll drink again and have a painful hangover. And you’ll feel like shit when Mark will come here for your training in less that two days –

\- Wait. How do you know all this? –

\- I just spoke to him on the phone, silly. Sorry, I couldn’t find the pills. You’ll stay at my place tomorrow and then Mark is going to come by and pick you up Thursday morning. See? We’ve already planned everything. You don’t have to worry anymore –

You can’t help but grunt loudly. You feel so embarrassed. Amazing, isn’t it? Now even Mark knows what happened and how you reacted to Jenni’s decision; he’ll be very disappointed and he now probably thinks you need a babysitter to take care of you.

You grunt again.

\- Come on, don’t be grumpy! I’ve got great ideas and I’ve already planned what to do tomorrow –

_God he’s an enthusiastic guy!_

Sometimes he even scares you. He’s got so much enthusiasm, so much energy. You wonder where he takes all his energy from.

\- First of all, tonight we’re gonna watch a movie. Star Trek is my first choice, what do you think? –

Aliens with long, strange ears? This makes you grin, a little bit.

\- We are gonna stay up late and then tomorrow we will both sleep ‘till midday. Peppi, come here boy! Let’s go! And, what was I saying? Ah, yes. For lunch, we’re gonna go to a new place I just found. You’re gonna like it, believe me. Then in the evening… -

And he goes on and on, keeps talking while he takes one of your suitcases, the one you left near the door some hours earlier, and he drags you to his car.

And you start feeling calm, and safe, and relaxed, because – even if it’s hard to admit it and you for sure won’t tell him – that’s exactly what you were looking for: not to have to decide anything, not to have to think, but simply turn off your mind. And you also think he’s really a good friend and a kind guy, while your head is leaning against the cold glass of the window.

\- Thank you, Sebastian –

That’s all you say, and everything that he needs to hear.

He gently squeezes your knee, and you smile for the first time in the whole day.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on my tumblr! You are always more than welcomed there!
> 
> [IceDrifter](http://www.icedrifter.tumblr.com)


End file.
